How can I get over a breakup?

A breakup is when a couple realizes the relationship doesn’t work out to the satisfaction of one or both people in the relationships. There is a “change” in the situation. Change is part of life. You are asleep then wake up. That is a change. You are hungry, then you eat. That is a change. You are inside your house, then you walk outside. That too is a change. You go to school and learn something. More change. You like one thing, then decide you don’t. That’s more change.

We grow everyday because we change. Millions of new nerves grow everyday, so we can learn and guide the change happening in our life. I go over this brain science in my book, “Prescription For Positivity.” As a result of nerves growing more connections, dealing with change, our brain has two million times more nerve to nerve connections than all the 250 million stars in the Milky Way galaxy! Wow! So we are made to learn, made to change, made to adapt.

That’s how to approach a breakup. There was a change. That’s ok. That’s life. Relationships often last for weeks or a few months, or maybe a few years. Then people change and move on from that relationship to another. That’s ok.

We react with hurt, anger, sadness to a breakup, when we fight that change. We resist that change. Maybe we think the other person shouldn’t change. They should always like us, always find us interesting. But that can change, of course. People change. We might get angry because of our “wish.” Maybe your partner was deceived by the “dark side” of their mind and got caught up in greed. They wanted to spend lots of money to get happy. Maybe they got fooled by an addiction and are now often high or drunk, and now you have to financially support them because of the choices they made.

It is hard to accept change when we see someone we care deeply about–change for the worse. But it happens. So you can learn from experiences like this, that helps work through a breakup. You might learn to not make a serious committment to someone if all they like to do is talk about themselves. That might reveal a selfishness that isn’t good for any relationship. Some people’s personalities just are not made for relationships. All they care about is themself, or getting high, or wallowing in self pity or self misery–and they may not even know it. Some people are not affectionate. Others don’t want to talk about their feelings or be honest about them or open about them or be truthful about their actions. Make a committment to be with that person, and you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Sometimes a person seems great for a relationship, but then after a year or five years, they change for the worse. Then they refuse to talk about their problems or deal with them. They are not putting the relationship first, they are putting their own ideas first about what they want. This is selfishness and it happens all the time in the Era of the Internet. People can often get what they want with the click of a button, so why should they sacrifice their own time and energy for someone else? This happens all the time.

Respecting all this change, often our emotions stay stuck, fighting the change. “This shouldn’t have happened.” “He shouldn’t have done this.” “She made me feel this.” “She shouldn’t be acting this way.”

Peace of mind comes when you work with the way things are. “She changed and this is what she wants to do and she doesn’t want to change. This is the way things are. Oh, well.”

Metaphors of nature can be helpful. “Relationships are like branches of a tree. They live for a few years or many years, then they fall off. Meanwhile they added to the tree’s life while they were working. When a branch stops working, the tree leaves it behind, and that’s ok. That’s the way of nature. Let go of things that quit working.”

That might sound easy, but letting go is tough. A person can often get stuck in self blame. “I should have done more.” Or one might get stuck blaming others. “He should have done more.” There might be losses of a person’s hopes and dreams for the relationship. Pain can be increased as a person might doubt themself. “I don’t think I can find anyone to love me.” This kind of pessimism is toxic to a person’s mental health, as I review in the book, “Prescription For Positivity.”

Often times, knowing this is helpful but not enough. The pain and self doubt can paralyze a person from making more rewarding relationships. That’s when counseling can be helpful. A good counsellor can listen with deep understanding and find what is keeping a person stuck. “I wonder if you are getting attracted to men who are like your father was–emotionally unavailable?” Or, “I wonder if you fall into self blame, instead of moving on, because it’s how your critical parent treated you?”

A good counsellor can help identify issues that are painful, then help you work through them. A good counsellor will believe in you even when you don’t. The hope that a good counsellor bring to a patient often makes the difference, so a person can get over a breakup and find a rewarding relationship.